Confusion...

What a weird day. What a weird decade...what a weird life. Today has progressed from strange to stranger.

Work was odd because I guess I'm in high demand now. I was networking with people in different provinces (ok, on holidays, but it still counts right?) trying to get articles written and edited. I was working two different branches, and then suddenly, the phones go down. VOIP phones=recipe for disaster. It made for a rather quiet afternoon however, and the articles did get sent in on time, so I guess that turned out alright.

I actually saw the brother today...novelty. He hasn't been around a lot, and we actually got to go for lunch today...at which point he informs me that he's contemplating moving out. Alrighty then. So, before too long, I have some big decisions to make. Can I afford this house on my own? I'm not sure...but it might be possible if I cut some corners. I guess. Would mean no more cable TV, and...well, I don't know what else, but it could very well mean some changes. I guess it's probably possible though, since there's really not anything that's much cheaper in this town anymore. Sadly, if I stay in the city, it means that half my monthly income, or maybe more, may have to go to rent. I don't think I can find another roommate, so I may just be stuck with this option for now. I have no idea.

Then tonight...I got home from work, and had to run out to the long ago ex boyfriend, now friend's house to steal his truck (with permission of course, very few felonies in my repertoire) so I can take my friend Becks to the Fort tomorrow to get her stuff. She's coming home. I'm pretty chuffed about that.

So this particular friend, well, suffice it to say, we have a long complicated past, which is further complicated on a daily basis nearly these days. He had told me that his current girlfriend was not going to be at the house tonight, so there would be no complications in that sense...well, guess what right? You guessed it. I was just putting car keys in the house, when in she walks. Think I scared her as bad as she scared me. Oh well.

So, my first instinct was to run, but I didn't, because she started to talk. I think she needed to talk. I'm not exactly a non-partisan ear, but close to it. I know the situation, or at least a good half of it, and I know the other party involved. Probably too well. I hadn't been there 5 minutes and she said to me "You have his heart. I don't know what to about it, and I probably shouldn't say that, but you have his heart."

That's a hard thing to hear. A conflicted thing to hear. Part of me was actually happy. How shallow am I that what pains her so much makes me a little bit happy to know. He knows it, and the fact that she knows it too made me just a little bit happy. But then there's the conflict. I don't know what to do. I am not, have not and will not get in the midst of all this. We broke up, I broke up with him, we blew what he had to smithereens. I didn't think there could be anything left after that, but there was so much there, that after a while...a long while, we got to be friends again. And we're good friends. Really good friends. And she says that he's told her in round about ways that if there was any chance between him and I, thats what he wants...which of course is miserable to hear. Miserable to live with someone and love someone who would be with someone else if given the chance. He's confused. I'm confused. She's confused.

It's bad. And I don't know where things are headed for any of us. I know that talking to her, and her talking to me was a good thing. Probably best for her actually. She needed to talk to someone. I was a good sounding board. I guess I have the right background. She asked me point blank if I wanted him back. I said no. I don't know if that's the complete truth, but I know this much: I don't think I could ever make him happy. I think that even if we got another chance, it could end the same way it did before. Maybe we're best friends, but the other stuff? There might not be enough there to keep us from killing each other. I know he idolizes me and what we had. I know it's been so long ago now that I think he's blocked out the bad stuff.

And I know that she's the better investment. She's been with him for 5 years. She loves him more than anything else in the world. And the grown up logical thing for me to do would be to say what needs to be said, to him and to her, and to walk away and cut all ties. But I'm probably not that grown up. And I'm selfish and bad and wrong...because he's my friend. There's part of him I think of as mine. I have no right. And maybe over time, and with being friends with her, and working things through with it all, who knows what's going to happen? I have no idea.

I know that if I was her girlfriend, and she was talking to me the way she talked to me tonight, I know what I would be telling her just from that perspective:"DUMP THAT JERK!" He's horrible to her sometimes. From what she says, and from what he says, they're on the verge...and I don't know what I should be hoping for. Part of me thinks, if I did the right things here, had the right talks, told them each what they had to do, I know I could make things alright between them. That may or may not be true. It's really hard to say isn't it? But the other options? I don't know. I think my answer for now is to let each of them lead the way. I told him a long time ago that I would not be his out. I will not be his get out of something complacent, and somewhat comfortable. I love him. He knows this. I always have loved him. He's the same. That's never been the question. The issue at hand? It's more complex than I have words for right now...

and now I have to pull my poor infected toe out of the salt water and go to the airport to get Becks. Yeah, the toe, that's another story altogether...sigh. Weirdest day ever....