Deactivate.

So it's been a while since I've been on here. Mostly due to drama, the inability to censor myself effectively, and technical difficulties. Blogger is, and always will be, exceptionally dramatic for my computer to handle it seems. But now I'm back, and this will probably continue, sporadically as usual, for a while.

There's been a lot going on in the last little while. And tonight I'm having a slight meltdown, realizing that nothing has really changed, and I'm not getting anywhere fast with many things. Reese starts school this week. Wednesday I guess. And because of the massive amounts of fuckery and dysfunction I don't even know if I'm going to be able to be there for his first day...and that is horrifying to me for some reason. It was always just me and him. Him and me. My little sidekick. And now more every day, there's people trying to step in the way of that.

The house is a wreck. I'm incredibly restless. I'm feeling the need to move now, just out of self-defense. I blame the brother for a lot of it, and a lot of it is his fault, but frankly, a lot of it is mine too, and my inability to deal, and lack of skill, knowledge and motivation. Mostly it's simply that I don't want to be here. I don't want to be in this house, in this situation, at this point, in this time of my life. I even deactivated my facebook account tonight, because every time I'm on there, everyone seems so happy and successful. Facebook just seems like a place to put on a front and flaunt whatever ya got to whoever will notice. I didn't notice. I don't notice. Now I do.

I'm single.
I'm a single parent.
I have a degree that means nothing.
I live in a crappy rental house.
I work at a pointless job that makes me feel menial and temporary.

It seems at this point, that everyone else out there has got more going on for them than I do. I don't see this changing anytime soon. I don't know what to do about it. I need to fix shit. I need to leave the city, the province, maybe the country. I can't stand the stifling.

I can't handle anyone else's drama. I can't even handle being around people for long periods of time. It gets to be too much and I panic and need to leave. Now. Fast. Quickly. Social skills? What? No, those are obviously for others. I feel every single barb right now. And they seem to be flying furiously.

My life has settled into a soup of mediocrity. There is nothing remarkable here. I'm not good at anything, yet I do many things. I will never be really good at anything. Least of all pretending that this is all fine and good. I can't find a pattern. I can't find anything or anyone to commit to in any real lasting way. Nothing lasts. Nothing is worth making last.

I'm putting all my hopes in this small trip to Alberta to pack up a friend. And it's still fraught with peril. The drama that may ensue just from the simple act of borrowing a truck. The reactions that have occurred so far...why do people even speak if all that comes out of their mouths is full of insults and barbs? Why why why must they pick on such tiny little things? Why will no one listen and take what I'm saying at face value?

I don't want to talk anymore. I don't want to listen. I know this is the time of year I typically fall apart. I'm trying to minimize the breakage. Why no one will let me do that is beyond what I can comprehend.