Leaving on a Jet plane.

No, not me, but everyone around me. And it's been expected but still somewhat of a shock for some of them that are going. Reese's dad has informed me that he has lost patience with his work and life situation and is leaving, possibly as soon as February 1st to live and work in Edmonton. This a day before he somehow messed up so royally on informing of the time of Reese's speech pathology appointment that he still won't admit to his screw up. 7:30? 1:30? It's all just semantics right? Yeah, that's what I thought. I think of this now as I attempt to write a page for participation marks on the class that I had to miss to be there for my son. This, again, after his dad would not allow me to see him after he got home from Edmonton. He had been promised that he could see mommy as soon as he got home. And he wasn't. And it weighed on us both I think, if his behavior at his speech pathologists appointment was any indication. He basically shut right down, became a total mommys boy and sat on my lap for the majority of the time, refusing to talk to the woman at all. Consequently, she thinks there's not a lot to worry about but she'd still like to see him at the end of April. That will be my responsibility.
Is it wrong to feel like I'm being set out to sea without a life raft? True, Reese's dad has often been far less than helpful when it comes to parenting, but I guess I knew if I desperately needed some help I could at least try to ask him, although I was more often than not shut down. And now with one swift move he is effectively changing the entire dynamic, the entire direction of his life, my life and his son's. And what for you ask? What for? Is it more money? No, he claims not, but he's lied to me before about money. Is it a relationship? No, he claims not. Although again, he's not been truthful before, so that wouldn't surprise me either. So what is it that could compel someone to leave their son behind? To leave the province and never come back? To see him once a month, maybe, if schedules permit? It is a desire to "further his career" whatever it is that means. I'm sorry, but doesn't furthering ones career usually involve a raise in pay? He claims to be getting a few benefits, but ones that will change from what he has now? Well, he'll be getting a company truck again. So, what is he going to do with the truck he owns? I don't know. I'm just rambling on and on again. I'm dwelling on the tiny things, micro managing because the long and short of it is I'm all by myself here. I have my friends, but I can only count on them for so much. They're single, they're young and they know little of the responsibility of this, and I'm thankful they have that luxury at that stage in their lives. My family are an hour away. At closest. They do whatever they can for me but I feel guilty asking for more, they do have lives and issues of their own. And I sometimes get so wrapped up in my own issues that I forget that fact.


So this little cross section of my life here, it's a little scary at this point. I don't know what the next few months will bring. I don't know how Reese is going to handle his dad being away. He's not going to like it. He'll probably take it pretty hard. And i hope I'm up to dealing with it. I'm petrified that I won't. But I have to keep in mind that it's just day by day, and now he's older and so much more communicative, maybe I can make him understand. I don't talk badly about his dad. I try to explain the facts to Reese without letting my anger or feelings intrude. I know his dad still loves him, even if in my eyes he fails him a lot. I fail him too, the difference is, he's not something I could ever leave behind. I can't even imagine doing it. So as everyone in my life scatters in all directions I wonder where I'm going to settle. I have this dream of a small town, or a cozy city with a downtown and lots of friends and everything within walking distance, and easy, lazy winters that aren't too hard on a body. But I can't picture any of the details. It might just be here. But somehow I don't think so. I just don't know where.