What do you want? I don't know I'm just a silly girl.

It is now monday morning, once more and I'm sitting here, at 5:46 am folding clothes and thinking of what I could take to sustain me foodwise throughout the day. I'm out of bed. I do have clothes on. Okay, inappropriate clothes right now, and I have to change yet, but I don't have to leave til at least 6:15 so right now I'm enjoying my last lazy morning this week. Three more insane ones to go. It's a four day work week, and I get my little boy back today, right after work. This is a good thing. Cause for once, I know I'm crazy, but I'm looking like a whole lot more reasonable, stable and sensible crazy right now, after what his father has pulled this weekend.
Friday night I was met after work with a blue truck in my work parking lot, and a very enthusiastic young boy, who was to come home with me and get ready to go to Mosaic with me and Girl Gang Variation 5. Possibly one of the best versions of Girl Gang to date, cause seriously, we had the best time and although it was hectic and sweaty, it was interesting and amazing, delicious and just a freakin blast. We hit the first two pavilions, and got some food in us and the boy, then proceeded on to the Irish, and to meet Reese's father so he could take Captain Sugar of Glucose Island back home to detox and go to sleep. Amazingly, this happened without incident, but of course, letting me take Reese to Mosaic with my friends comes at a price: what are you doing tomorrow? "Saturday night?" I ask. "I don't know."
"Well, I was wondering if you could take him over night cause there's this wedding I wanted to go to in Moose Jaw..."

This is the thing. Reese's dad will do whatever the hell he wants, no matter what. So realizing this, I realized, he wasn't asking me, he was telling me. Putting me between a rock and a hard place. Taking Reese for the Saturday night severly limits what I can accomplish in a weekend. I usually use my weekends away from him to do yardwork, laundry, clean the house etc. At this point, it wasn't looking hopeful, because if I didn't take Reese for the Saturday night, he would simply pawn off our son on one of his friends for the night, and Reese would be left with a relative stranger. He knows I know this, and that I won't stand for it if I can stand in the way of it, because it's not fair to Reese.

Reese arrived here, Saturday afternoon, in a black mustang convertible of unknown origin, upset, over tired and a right grump. Meanwhile, his dad, acting holier than though and not understanding why I was mad at him, was pouting and finally left with the parting "I'll pick him up first thing in the morning."

I knew this was a lie, when the Cowboy asked me at supper, "So when is first thing in the morning for him?"
"Well, usually, just far enough into the day to completely eliminate me accomplishing anything."
"We have to mow your lawn tomorrow still."
"Yeah...I know..."

See this is where I get all torn up. I don't like to see my four year old ray of sunshine as a burden, but I also like to believe that other people like spending time with him as well. And I don't pawn him off, when it's my time with him, we're a team, he's my super hero sidekick. His dad seems to think that going to a wedding and being an adult, and getting so drunk that he doesn't remember where he left his truck to be more important. I don't know, I like to go out and have a few drinks, do grown up things with grown up people, but I do a very small amount of that these days cause there's just not a lot of time for it. And when I have Reese, I don't do it. I won't drink a drop and drive with him in the car, so I can have fun and go out still, cause Reese is Mr. Social Butterfly, but I behave. Is that so hard? It's part of being a parent I think. You take that into consideration when you have a child, same as not drinking when you're pregnant to take care of the baby, you act responsible once the child is born because someone is depending on you.

Sunday morning came, and at 7:30, Reese crawled into bed with me for a snuggle. I like these mornings, even though it hurts to make my body move at this time on a weekend, but being with him is so much fun.

At 9, we were ready to go play outside and Reese wanted to call his daddy. He brought it up, not me, so I dialed the number and handed him the phone. He talked to his daddy, who was not yet even awake, and fairly obviously had someone else in bed with him. This after Monday, when Reese remarked to me, "Mommy, we got a NEW girl. She's at mine house." But this one, the one now and the one last week, were not the same. So...I wondered to myself when he finally bothered to show up and pick up Reese at 11:30 and said he was taking him back to Moose Jaw to work on a pool, for this OTHER new girl that Reese had been telling me about, what kind of role model is this setting for my son. No, I've not always made the best choices in my relationships, but there's always only ever been one at a time, and I have made the effort to keep them separate from my son until I believe they're going somewhere. His dad doesn't seem so worried about that, and seems to think a steady stream of girls walking through Reese's life is just fine. There's more than just two, I know this for various reasons, and although he tells me nothing voluntarily about the nature of these relationships, I have a pretty good idea, I do know him, whether he thinks so or not, and what he's doing right now? Inappropriate at best.

But it's monday morning, and now I have to go pick up litter in the park. See what all the crazies did on a nice weekend. I am predicting a pretty big mess. There's more I wanted to write, so I'll give you a brief synopsis. A conversation, in line buying groceries at the Co-Op, in four sentences, we said it all.

"Well, what do you want?"
"I don't know what I want, I'm just a silly girl. What do you want?"
"I don't know what I want."

What am I doing? I don't know.